Wednesday 20 July 2016

Recently I came across my kindergarten graduation picture. What a hoot! Wide grins showed missing front teeth, girls sported bouffant hairdos, and a frazzled teacher stood in the corner looking strangely relieved. But, as usual, the first thought that crossed my mind as I stared at the photo was “I’m bigger than everyone else!” In the centre of the back row, I stood head and shoulders above all the boys. The rest of the girls lined the front row, looking dainty and small
.
I was always one of the fattest girls in my class. But I battled with my weight for years, feeling like a large Elephant standing in a pond among cute little ducks and beautiful swans. While others thought my height was an asset, I felt so different whenever I am around my friends.
My weight has not been my only battle with self confidence. I have also warred against my loud voice, my extreme clumsiness, and my tendency to be bossy. All of these are attributes that others promised me were either blessings in disguise or “stages” I would outgrow. I’m not sure that either has proven true, but the battles are over all the same.

The battle within most of us struggle to feel confident in who we are. Whether our points of vulnerability are physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual, we all have areas where we feel less than adequate. When we focus on these insecurities, our self confidence wanes and we fail to live up to our fullest potential. Out of embarrassment, we shrink back into the shadows, hoping no one notices. Or we compensate for our insecurities by overplaying our strengths, i.e. making everyone laugh because we feel unintelligent. This can be regarded as sad.
I started feeling more comfortable in my own skin, as soon as I got in the higher grades in my High School, simply because I was starting to grow up and losing few kilos.
I've always have been a very active person, even if I had the most biggest curves. I was participating in netball and I would take afternoon jogs with my younger brother. I would not do those because of I am probably trying to lose weight, no.
But simply to try to be in shape and perhaps be fit.

I've always aspired to get in a bikini suit but there has been a voice at the back of my mind not agreeing with what I aspire to. last year my cousins and I went to Durban South beach. that was the most memorable trip I ever had.  arriving at the beach, I felt so confident. for the very first time I was wearing a bikini suit, and I did not give a hoot of what everyone was thinking Actually, people were minding their business. The feeling was so AMAZING.
let me take this platforms and say to those who lack confident about their physique, you are gonna miss out a lot whilst you still in your shape. Don't try to change anything about you. you are you and you are enough. LOVE YOURSELF

Recently I came across my kindergarten graduation picture. What a hoot! Wide grins showed missing front teeth, girls sported bouffant hairdos, and a frazzled teacher stood in the corner looking strangely relieved. But, as usual, the first thought that crossed my mind as I stared at the photo was “I’m bigger than everyone else!” In the centre of the back row, I stood head and shoulders above all the boys. The rest of the girls lined the front row, looking dainty and small
.
I was always one of the fattest girls in my class. But I battled with my weight for years, feeling like a large Elephant standing in a pond among cute little ducks and beautiful swans. While others thought my height was an asset, I felt so different whenever I am around my friends.
My weight has not been my only battle with self confidence. I have also warred against my loud voice, my extreme clumsiness, and my tendency to be bossy. All of these are attributes that others promised me were either blessings in disguise or “stages” I would outgrow. I’m not sure that either has proven true, but the battles are over all the same.

The battle within most of us struggle to feel confident in who we are. Whether our points of vulnerability are physical, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual, we all have areas where we feel less than adequate. When we focus on these insecurities, our self confidence wanes and we fail to live up to our fullest potential. Out of embarrassment, we shrink back into the shadows, hoping no one notices. Or we compensate for our insecurities by overplaying our strengths, i.e. making everyone laugh because we feel unintelligent. This can be regarded as sad.
I started feeling more comfortable in my own skin, as soon as I got in the higher grades in my High School, simply because I was starting to grow up and losing few kilos.
I've always have been a very active person, even if I had the most biggest curves. I was participating in netball and I would take afternoon jogs with my younger brother. I would not do those because of I am probably trying to lose weight, no.
But simply to try to be in shape and perhaps be fit.

I've always aspired to get in a bikini suit but there has been a voice at the back of my mind not agreeing with what I aspire to. last year my cousins and I went to Durban South beach. that was the most memorable trip I ever had.  arriving at the beach, I felt so confident. for the very first time I was wearing a bikini suit, and I did not give a hoot of what everyone was thinking Actually, people were minding their business. The feeling was so AMAZING.
let me take this platforms and say to those who lack confident about their physique, you are gonna miss out a lot whilst you still in your shape. Don't try to change anything about you. you are you and you are enough. LOVE YOURSELF


CREATING INNER PEACE THAT ENDURES

“Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” ~Unknown

Like many people, I lived my life for a lot of years failing to understand inner peace is a choice. I am not sure what I thought. Perhaps I didn’t believe anyone could feel a lasting peace inside. I did know that my own feelings of peace were always transitory.

There are many ups and downs in my life, too many claims on my time and too many difficult situations to be dealt with. I think I actually believe inner peace could only be achieved by monks and saints, or anyone living a reclusive life who didn’t have to deal with everyday struggles.

I am stuck in a world of confusion, wondering how peace could be mine when there was always something, some drama going on in my own life or the lives of those I loved.

In fact, it seem to me that the whole world was filled with stuff, negative stuff mostly, which I read about in the newspaper, saw on the television, or heard from someone I knew.

It is the kind of stuff that pulls at your emotions—the breaking news story of a missing woman being found murdered, the tragedy of a child being killed by a hit and run driver, the numbers of homeless people tripling, and a devastating Tsunami killing thousands and paralyzing a country.

Then there are  the stories closer to home—my friend’s dad being diagnosed with cancer and dying three months later, my other friend having a miscarriage—all tearing at my heart and leaving me hurt and grieving.

In my own personal life too, my emotions dip and peak along with how much control I feel I had over my own happiness. I literally feel like a puppet on a string, and asked myself over and over again, “How can I feel a constant inner peace in my heart and life when my emotions see-saw up and down according to what is happening in and around me?”

Looking back I know I believed that my emotions were important. After all, wasn’t being emotional an essential part of being alive? Emotions made me feel real and allowed me to extend empathy to everyone else.

But in the deepest part of myself, I do not feel good most of the time. I long to not be so emotional. I want to be released from all the conflict in my life—to not react to other people’s words and anger, to feel serenity in my heart.

It was an almost desperate need to alter or to stop the negative cycle of events which seemed to dominate my relationships and my life. I believe it is that intention which keeps on surfacing in my mind and in my heart that fueled my spiritual search and led me to discover a more peaceful way to live, despite the conflict in my life.

I know that as the months and years went on I become more determined to change the way I was living.

It was a few years ago now—I cannot pinpoint exactly when it happened—when I finally felt a peace inside that did not come and go along with my emotions or the drama in my life. I know it was the culmination of making a lot of changes.